Splitting the Bill

Misunderstandings, false idols, and (in)efficiency

Well, well. So it has come to this. I haven’t even managed to write anything properly controversial yet, so perhaps that’s a sign for me to correct my bad behaviour. The initial 15 seconds notwithstanding, there probably is not a single moment as rife with the potential for a downturn, as  the moment your server asks to bring the bill.

Who is going to pay? What did we talk about again? Did we talk about it? But what if we split the second and seventh drink, but pay for our own mocktails and food? And so on. Not exactly the cleanest interaction there.

Though I have to reserve the right to calling it a personal problem, I do not think it is. The (potential) complications are real, and they are numerous. Even if they aren’t said out loud. There’s always a risk someone is left with a bad taste in their mouth. Exactly the opposite of what you want after a meal.

Of course it depends on your company and the occasion, but I do think the relative ease of splitting makes it a bigger deal, on average, than it has to be. Ironically enough. If it was more difficult, there’d be less inclination to do it on the spot. Perhaps I’ve just spent an unhelpful amount of time observing Japanese customs, but I hold — for whatever reason, that there is a near unavoidable tension between the act of paying, and what we actually want to achieve in a restaurant.

Should come as no surprise at this point, but I heavily dislike splitting the bill. In any context: from the point-of-view of a host, a server, or even of a guest. Though this feels less like an issue when the payment is made at purchase, such a directly at a counter. And I don’t yet know why this is.

To these different sides of the topic then. The first one should be obvious. What kind of a host would want their guests to pay, after all? Same, same among friends as much as acquaintances. Especially ones you intend on seeing again. Just make rounds, or work it out otherwise. However insensitive that sounds. Obvious exceptions apply without mention, as they always do.

The same applies from a server’s side, also. Like I once read (on twitter of all places), it isn’t the server’s job to sort through the intricacies of your social circle, or their consequences. It’s about an intra-group dynamic, which is a private matter to begin with. To a degree that it shouldn’t really be fun to share with a complete stranger. And I know. It sounds like sour grapes from someone doing it at work. The fact still stands: splitting the bill takes time. Especially so with bad software or weird splits. This is time away from service that can be given to other guests. I wouldn’t be opposed to an additional service charge for a split bill. Extra money for extra work. Simple as. As we know, hounding money from your friends has never been this easy

These aren’t issues you encounter eating alone, mind you. If you still needed convincing from before.

And before you say anything you’d regret, I know, I know. This is kind of a ridiculous thing to get upset over, let alone putting this effort to writing about it. Yet here we are again. It is an exploration, no? Need to get towards the bottom of it, if nothing else.

Lately I have been positioned in situations where this sort of sinning has been nearly unavoidable. Even if it was mostly a non-issue, it felt bad anyway. Dealt with the splits after the fact, for the most part. A step in the right direction at least. The whole ordeal was made slightly more tolerable by someone forgetting (accidentally or not), to charge us for a couple dozen oysters. If this is an argument for or against chaos, a fluctuating party size, and frequent seat switching, I don’t know. Wasn’t too bad at the end of it, ’s what I know. A lot of good to be said about a place that has the facilities to allow for that to develop. Easy to get carried away, and better for it. This I also know for sure.

Next thing you know, you find yourself leaving seven-and-a-half hours later, more mollusk and fish head than man on the inside. Eldritch dreams and squamous mornings are but a distant memory, to those whom it may concern.

Somehow these places exist. Where pacing yourself feels easy moment-to-moment, yet the sum result is getting carried away regardless. What a wonderful, alluring combo that is… Except in this case the unavoidable truths reveal themselves after the sun has gone below, not the other way around. It was never meant to not last that long. And I’m glad for it.

Only way to end it is with a walk through the city streets. A refreshing digestif after the deed is done. Enrobed only by light pollution, with a fast flattening can of local beer in the other hand. The shops are closed and empty Except for one, which you pass mid-way, though it’s also closed. People inside, music blaring. A song from your past, which you have an acquaintance-level relationship with. Just odd enough to not be a list hit, just new enough to not appear in all these nostalgia playlists. You were just talking about the song eight hours ago. What are the odds? Someone mentioned a heavy dislike, not that the odds much care about someone’s opinion.

And then you’re in front of the door, ready to let the sun rise again. There were faster ways of getting there. But were there?

If anything, splitting should be seen as a necessary evil. An occasional one. Nothing more than that.  And it should be looked at as such. And it isn’t about the money, in any but the most cursory aspects. In the sense that it’s a slightly unfortunate symbol for things with more central importance. Who knows what those are. Not that you’d need loads of imagination to come up with a few handfuls. Some things are obvious, after all. For those with the eyes to see.

For your health,

Olli

P.S.
You can be a better home cook, by learning to think in better systems:

PRINCIPLES OF CONTEMPORARY HOME COOKING: RIGHT HERE

At worst useful, at best joyous, entertaining nonetheless. Consider it.